Winner or Looser

I visited my blog after guess almost 11 months.... that is what, just 1 month short of one big calendar year. And I was pleasantly surprised to see that i had kept most of my 2009 resolutions. I would say thats an achievement does that count anywhere, when you talk about failures and successes? Can I say it somewhere when admission interviews ask me about personal successes and failures? Does it count that I have come to love many more people than I already did and that I have prayed hard and worked to bring more happiness and peace in my family? When they ask me what i did besides the MBA stuff, does this make like a convincing answer?Why do I face failure again and again. Or is it just me, who sees this as failure? As a shortfall? Is the fear of failure speaking in a voice so loud that its trying to douse the voice of optimism and belief, in me? Or I am just finding pretexts to justify my failures? All I know is, I felt broken yet again. And I had to muster all the strength to begin hoping all over again....

Invincible

I'v been following the same routine of no routine for over a week now.Getting up early to pack hubby's lunch, checking mails, waiting for that one magical news that could change my life and put be up on a higher pedestal, going back to sleep again, not wanting to get up earlier than noon!silence keeps humming its tune, ringing my nerves right through well past mignight. I half expect the walls to speak up, this idiot box to stretch out its arms and give me a hug, telling me that it will be all ok. I didnt realize when silence took over joy of my heart.
Then i just shook myself out of numbness and zombied existence. Told myself that i would try and be happy, no matter what. look forward to summers. look forward to cheer, laughter, fun.It was all inside me. The despair, the agony, the long wait, the silence. And then i just flipped the coin, and found that this too was inside me; laughter,song of joy,the dance of being carefree, belief in myself.I still know how to feel the wind in my hair. I had just lost the reception of these waves and let the disturbance from outside take over. I just had to tune into "I love myself" station again. " In the midst of winter, I found that I had within me an invincible summer."

New Year Bash

And with a lot of ho halla, another year closed. Nothing extraordinary. Its the same every year. We end every year with a nostalgia and begin the new one with a hope. The same hope.Maybe such things are only meant to give us "days of hope" in our yearly calendar.Maybe that what we celebrate year New Year, each b'day, each anniversary.
And then there are those "New year Resolutions" or should I say, "Days of Hope" Resolutions. I never made any, except that I wont make any. Coz by the end of the year, not only has one forgotten to keep the resolutions, but also forgotten what those promises were, in the first place.So this year, that was the only thing, "different" I did. I made resolution of making resolutions and trying to keep up with them, i wrote them down, lest I should forget.
So here they go:
I will not be lazy
I will try and be more proactive
I will read more books
I will try and be more organised and keep my surroundings more organised.
I will judge less
Will do lesser of day dreaming and not while away my time
I will try and keep in touch with all the people who want to be in touch , with me , and with whom i want to be in touch. In other words, i will be more outgoing.

But what's with these resolutions I asked myself? I am trying to become a better person. But who is the real me. The one who has all these shortcomings, or the one who has overcome all those. Or is it someone in the present continous tense of "trying to overcome" these shortcomings. Am I a shadow of myself, evolving, in form, as the years overhead, move from dawn to twilight. Does it mean, when i am done evolving, I will be me, without my shadow?
The the length of the list of resolutions a way of telling me, how closer i am to myself. Will i ever reach that perfection? Is that the idea of Heaven?
I'l hopefully know some day, till then, Happy "days of hoping" to me.