How many steps

I have this amazing capacity to be lazy.Laziness that translates to not tending to yourself or your feelings or thoughts. They just keep lingering, hanging low like seattle clouds but then get scattered away. People always complain that it rains too much in Seattle, but I have kind of come to accept it as a necessity for survival of nature here. I too, need to let the clouds pour, so that the rain can nourish my life too. I need it.It used to be every now and then, but now its a constant feeling, that how far I've come. About to complete three decades of my life (okay am still 3 yrs away). I remember the time when I used to feel three years was way too much time to have memories about. When I was in 9th std I had told myself, that I wouldnot give up my innocence when I grow up. But I realize now that , that itself was a innocent wishful thinking. Its a heavy cost to pay, for growing up. I dont feel things. I havent heard a song in ages that makes my heart as light as a feather, or maybe I havent felt any song that way. There used to be a time when I used to wonder how could mom and dad not want endless amount of icecream. I realized why, few weeks back when I found the std 3 scoop cone at costco was way too much for me. Dont dream of having lot of sweets on Diwali, as I used to. Dont even feel sad at things I used to. Or even happy.Just living a life of a machine. My husband says, that I have attained a state of peace, but I know its not. I feel all the negative emotions that I never used to feel before. I found out that romancing and loving in real life is so different that that shown in movies. Real life problems are not as obvious as the conspiracies of Ekta Kapoor serials. I miss the times when the hardesy choice in life seemed to be choosing the largest of the mangoes to eat.I wish our choices had as low a stake now.
There has been a gradual polluting of a river.In my quest to try and understand the bigger picture, I feel I have rather started seeing the meanness.A year used to be a step at a time but maybe I have been taking one too many at a time.
I wish I could take off for a year long vacation like Julia Roberts did, in Eat Love Pray. But I know I dont have that heart either. I have too many strings attached and ties that i am very band to get bound with. But yes, I feel places calling me. I indulge myself just by watching Natgeo pics.
I also have started realizing why they say that age and experience come together. I wish they didnt. I wish I could feel as much.